If someone had asked me five years ago when I would marry, I undoubtedly would have replied that such an occasion could never possibly occur. For a reason quite unaccounted for by anything I've been taught, as a young girl I was under the impression that women who married young were made of weaker substance than those who withstood matrimony. Looking back, I realize I have always struggled to maintain my individual identity--one that apparently I thought I would lose after taking a husband. At that point in my life, I think I was determined that if I was going to define myself, a life of singleness could suit me just fine. Give me a house full of good books, a freezer full of ice cream and a couple of cats for company and I would be quite content to live on my own-- fat, yes, and covered in hair-- but happy.
Jason Michael Barton and I started dating last October. I did not enter in or return home from our first date with the shocking knowledge that I had just spent the first of an eternity of evenings with my future husband. Instead, I complained to my roommate about how badly my bladder hurt after drinking a significant amount of water and not having access to a bathroom all night. An impending futuristic doom of loneliness was only narrowly avoided because I fell into a psychosis. It didn't take long for me to love Jason. He was charming, funny, easy to talk to, considerate, gentlemanly and, most important, never failed to laugh at my jokes. When I was with him, I walked on air. For a boy I hardly knew, I was surprised by how I felt-- comfortable, at ease, happy.
Love is a fascinating phenomenon. It's not just an emotion, but an actual physiological change that occurs in the cortex. Once I had actualized the fact that perhaps I was falling in love with Jason, I had a desperate need to reach out to everyone-- anyone! Neglected friendships were mended. Well intended letters were finally written and put in the mail. I distinctly remember walking home from school and skipping-- yes, skipping-- when I fancied no one was looking. Suddenly, a life of solitude sounded completely unappealing. What was my life without Jason? A million purring Persians couldn't make me as happy as he did. Oh, I knew what was happening; my identity was being erased. Soon my name would change from "Joslynn" to "JoslynnandJason." And worse still, "JosandJase," or worst of all-- "the J's."
But this is where I admit I was wrong. I knew very early on that Jason + Joslynn would be a very good thing, but I severely underestimated how good. After only one short year, I feel he is an inseparable part of my life, and I am so excited for the day when we truly are inseparable. If I have to lose my individuality to marriage, I feel proud and happy to gain this new, better identity with Jason. The truth is that since I've known Jason any trace of mindlessness or weakness in me has been completely eradicated. I love Jason for himself, for his strength, his character, his honesty. But I also love Jason because he brings out the best in me and has moved me to love myself . I want to be the best person possible for this wonderful boy, because there's no one else I would rather be with.
I'm getting married on November 20th to my best friend.
Cats and books will follow.
New Year 2010
Love you, Jase.