Saturday, September 30, 2006

Haves and Have Nots

Today I did plenty of nothing; or, if we're being optimistic, plenty of things that weren't worth my time. And although I can't pretend to enjoy days like these, I did discover some mildly entertaining things.

5. Desire: This is a TV series that I just happened upon. Possibly the worst I've seen. Ever. The plot consists of two beau monde and macho jocks who are in love with the same slutty woman. Oh, and the Mafia is after them. It seems as if the directors tried to spin this novela off of Desperate Housewives or something. And where that show can actually be funny while it is crude, this one is just stupid. The episode I saw had detestable acting, especially in the oddly soap opera-ish moments when a grisly old man tortured one of the surfer dudes because he wouldn't marry his daughter. Needless to say, I found it funny.

4. Pudding: Today was my first attempt at making pudding from scratch. Surprisingly, it worked. However, my chocolate concoction slipped out of its bowl in such a smooth, polished, even mound that I could not resist making a face out of it. I used whipped cream for the eyes, chocolate pupils and nostrils and little white cream fangs and lots of hair. "Here you go convalescent friend who is too ill to leave the couch. Hope this doesn't scare you too much..."

3. While outlining the chapter for history, I have discovered that I hate the French. If it wasn't for Henry III and the Huguenots I would not have been trapped in front of the computer screen all day. And then again, if it hadn't been for Europe at all I would not be taking this class in the first place.

2. General Conference: Okay. While this wasn't exactly entertaining, it was enlightening. And that totally counts. Too bad I slept through most or all of the second session.

1. My dreams: While I was sleeping through the aforesaid portion of conference, I had a dream I was riding the ferris wheel at Lagoon with a tank full of Piranhas on my head. On the downward trip they spilled all over me and aggressively seized my flesh and commenced to eat me alive. Natalie and Brittany then started to yell, "Nice job Joslynn! Now we have to go buy more!"

Days like these... you've got to love 'em.

Monday, September 25, 2006

A true Dogface

This is my tribute to all of Heaven's creations that never should have been conceived. We fear them because they are different. But surely on the inside they are just the same... Or are they?
This is Sam, possibly the most repugnant creature to grace God's planet.

As you can see, what Sam lacks in hair is made up in numerous goose pimples and warts. Below his neck hangs a flapping fold of flesh, and his crooked smile is crowned by a set of snaggle teeth.

Did I also mention he's going blind?

Owner Susie Lockheed is proud of her pet. She said, "People are always horrified when I kiss him. He may turn into a prince yet. He's definitely a toad."

Yes Susie. He most certainly is.

When I was first introduced to Sam, I, like many others, recoiled in fear but was soon drawn to him in morbid fascination. He looked like some kind of hideous beast that had been hit by a train and then wrung through a washing machine while simultaneously being beaten with a stick.
The owners of the other contestants in the World's Ugliest Dog Contest may have thought their pooches had a chance at winning - that is, until they saw Sam. He's so ugly the judges recoiled in shock when he was placed on their judging table to claim his winnings for the third consecutive year.
Surprise, surprise.
Although Sam has regretfully passed away, his monstrous legacy will live on and on.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Miss Domesticity

With the recent absence of my mother from our home in South Jordan, I have felt a sudden and decisive pull towards all things domestic. My reason? The alpha female leaves, and another takes her place--me.
Tonight I cleaned the house. I vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed, and set the Beatles going. Then I made dinner. I even stuck toothpicks in the entree. Was this enough? Oh no... as if things weren't getting bad enough! I baked a cake, feeling that I couldn't continue on with the test for which I should be studying until I chopped up at least a dozen peaches and blended some whipping cream. Of course, the cake was lumpy, as my cakes always are. But I like to think I'm getting better.
I'm afraid that those around me have also felt the relentless pressure of my new role. Lately I have been much more naggy. An undeniable know-it-all. "Don't do that! Don't sit there! I knew that was going to happen..."
I could kick myself in the foot.
And now, the confession:
Mom, please come home. Because I am turning into you.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Introverts unite!

I am an introvert.
The idea occurred to me recently, but I have refused to accept it until last night, when the thought actually became pleasureable.

The telephone was ringing, and my mind was hovering somewhere between apprehension and terror. I hesitated until it was too late. The ringing stopped and I was relieved. And that's when it hit me flat over the head: I would rather stay safe in the shadows and away from conflict rather than face it head on. An introvert!

Ah ha! How much better would life be from that angle? There would simply be an excuse for everything!
"Oh, don't mind me. I'm an introvert... Sorry, I can't go to prom with you. I'd rather stay home-- didn't you know? I'm an introvert."

Of course, I am not all introverted. I have my glorious extrovert moments, which are mostly me being abnormal and foolish. But over all I feel much safer standing next to someone else.

I have found in my new position that I do not feel inferior to extroverts, nor do I feel like I need special care and feeding instructions now that my case has been identified. Just let me have a bagel, and a cup of hot chocolate and I'll be content to watch an entire season of The Office by myself.

I suspect introverts were probably put on this planet to provide balance to all of those jabbering extroverts running around talking about nothing 98 percent of the time. Extroverts have a driving passion to be the center of attention. They have a comment about every subject in the world and they have a joke for every situation. In one conversation, an extrovert will make ten statements to one introvert comment.

I was always told that being an introvert was never a popular characteristic. A negative personality trait, if you will. I don't think so. I find that introverts tend to be incredibly thoughtful and intelligent people.

So I only have one thing left to say:
My name is Joslynn, and I am an introvert.
Are you?