Monday, January 22, 2007

Hoarding it for Home


My life as a health addict has not always been severe. Our cupboards at home are usually decorated with Wasa crackers and various healthful condiments from foreign countries. But every once in a long, long while we go on a junk food binge that ultimately leaves us fat and panting for celery and chickpeas.
I remember one such sugar-spree in particular. My father was shuffling through the contents of our refrigerator in an attempt to find something to prepare for dinner. Towards the back of the second glass shelf-- between the Shiitake mushrooms and bell peppers-- he discovered an unnamed science experiment contained within the careful plastic of Glad's Tupperware. Holding the container cautiously over the sink, he slowly pulled the lid off to reveal a medley of molding green nastiness that had been shoved to the back of Leftover Corner and had gurgled happily there for Heaven only knows how many weeks. My mother was away visiting family at this time, and perhaps in a rash act of desperation and helplessness my father emptied the fridge completely of all the organic and easily perishable ingredients that my mother had carefully stocked upon its shelves prior to her departure. From my short perspective I could see a familiar glint come into my father's eyes which could only mean one thing-- chips.
Whenever my mom left town, my dad was left in charge of the grocery shopping. Buying food with Dad was like going on holiday. He is a bargain shopper, which means that he will tear down the cookie and cracker and cereal aisles and throw anything with a 2 for 1 special sign into the cart.
"Pop tarts? Frosted flakes? White bread? Throw it into the cart and let's get out of here!"
For a family who is accustomed to eating twelve grain wheat bread, flax oil, and fortified omega 3 eggs, junk food is a big deal. By the time Dad and the girls (everybody came along for the ride and to help load ice cream into the cart) arrived home, the backseat and trunk of the minivan were weighted down with bouquets and caboodles of sugary and salty snacks that yielded far more calories in one serving than what we were used to consuming in an entire day.
After the initial grocery trip life went downhill. I remember the first few days were glorious; we ate cold cereal for breakfast and bacon and chocolate and Heinz ketchup and other such foodstuffs that most true-blue Americans take for granted. After several meals of unending glory and sugary delight, the novelty of this American life would begin to atrophy and most family members were left feeling chubby and empty and fiber-less.
The crap food would be thrown out immediately before my mom's return, which would be greeted by an empty refrigerator that she would promptly replace with cucumbers, spinach, and mozzarella cheese. She would hustle and bustle and complain, exclaiming:
"For the life of me I can't figure out how you all go through so much food when I'm away!"
So break out the Wasa crackers again, Mom. Our eating habits are as dull as two dry toasts, because after all, you are what you eat.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Man, I don't know what I'd do without my ketchup and bacon! How do you live!?! Seriously dude, cholesterol fo life!

You're one lucky dog. I wish I had healthy food every once and awhile. But then again, all that fiber at once my leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable...

Anonymous said...

My American pinpot,
Though we are satiated with very different substances, we still communicate in the universal tongue of gross rolling sounds originating from the emptiness of our intestines who do not have the satisfaciton of eating food when they are near each other.
If you could decipher that, you are a genius.
This is when I invite you to dinner and you say, "Yes."

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, I think I got that. And it was funny, because it's true. Brittany doesn't feed me when she's around you for some reason. It's like she forgets to eat, but it kills me! Eating is what I live for!

P.S. Cold cereal isn't that bad for you. Infact, it's probably pretty good for you. Also, did you add a bit at the end of this post? Tis a bit longer then I remember it being. Perhaps I'm just forgetful.

J-Vicious said...

She did indeed add a little at the end. Right after the cheese.

Nedge said...

well, well, well. I can relate, but I can't relate. For instance, I abstain from sugary concotions during the swim season...at least I try to. But I love candy! I can say, though, I don't like chips, soda, ketchup, hot dogs, twinkies, and the like. I just crave dark chocolate...

Anonymous said...

weird Josi... but I can honestly say that I actually enjoy eating plain yogurt, organic everything, soy products and 24-grain bread now---Mom has successfully molded me into a health machine (now only if I could get off that icecream..)

Anonymous said...

I must say I am a regular person myself. This past little while I have had some neighbors that want to pitch in. They bring us cookies, caramels, cheese rolls, chocolates, pies, you name it we've got it. It tastes good for a while, but it's not good for you.
How does that saying go? To much of a good thing is a bad thing?
I admire your healthy lifestyle.

Joslynn said...

Brittany,
I suggest we quickly get over our phobias. Perhaps food is not the primary thought on our minds when we are together, but it definitely concerns our stomachs. Maybe we'll go pants shopping first and then we'll eat lunch.
And I'm sure you're thinking, "Right. And after that we could read Shakespeare and paint our nails."
Well, as a matter of fact, we could.

To Jesse and Brittany and all,
I did add a little at the end. I actually change my posts numerous times after I publish them. We should make it a game: see how many mistakes Jos makes before she notices and changes them. Ew. That's not fun at all! Never mind.

Nedgie,
The swimmer's diet is a strict one. And I share your fetish-- there is nothing more magical than pure chocolate. Or... what was it? 70%?

Shirsti and Brenda,
Lentils rock! Heh heh.

Anonymous said...

NO JOS--YOU ROCK!!!! HAHAHAHAH

Brenda said...

On yahoo there is a story about a man who has found a way to add the equivalent of 2 cups of coffee to the ingredients of a doughnut. Supposedly the doughnut doesn't have a bitter taste.

Joslynn said...

Do you mean the equivalent in caffeine? Would coffee actually be added to the recipe?
Mmmm... coffee doughnuts.
Barf.
The last time I visited the grocery store, I chanced upon a new junk food that simply fascinated me. It was called 'Breakfast Pizza'. The stuff was loaded with fat, cholesteral, ground beef, and cheddar cheese. It was disgusting and amusing all at once.

Brenda said...

He adds caffeine to the ingredients of doughnuts and bagels. Interesting huh. That breakfast pizza does sounds gross. Lately we have been looking at the number of calories in food it's disugsting.

J-Vicious said...

I want a donut!