Thursday, January 11, 2007

Lutefisk: a little piece of Valhalla


My first encounter with 'Death in the Form of Fish' came at our annual Norwegian Christmas party, six years in the past.
The celebration took place in the basement of some shady building sometime in mid-December. The room was very cold, and filled with accented strangers who all wore sweaters and smelled like mushrooms. At last the talking ceased and dinner was served.
Fish.
Mary Hoblastad, a long time family friend, approached the table at which I was sitting and asked if I was going to eat anything. I stared down at the odoriferous goo on my plate, whose gelatinous texture and rancid oiliness rendered the whole creature completely inedible. I shook my head.
"You don't like fish?" she exclaimed wildly, attracting the attention of several suspicious old men passing by, plates loaded with cod, "And you call yourself Norsk! For shame!"
The situation was further worsened when I learned the history of the dish. It was a Scandinavian delicacy known as lutefisk - which means, literally, "cod soaked in plutonium."
I had given a report in Mrs. Powell's sixth grade class about Norway, and to the delight of the sick minded 12 year old boys I had mentioned the gross practices of harvesting the cod, wrapping it in toilet paper, greasing it in Vaseline and then burying it for several weeks to create lutefisk.
I had not cared to try it since.
Despite the fuss I made over the lutefisk- or perhaps because of it-I was persuaded to take one forkful. One bite, and that was all.
How to describe that first bite? It's a bit like describing passing a kidney stone. If you are talking to someone else who has lived through the experience, a nod will suffice to acknowledge your shared pain, but to explain it to the person who has not been there makes mere words seem inadequate to the task.
When I think of that fateful moment when the fork met my lips and the lutefisk touched my tongue, the phrases, "nauseating sordid gunk", "unimaginably horrific", and "lasting psychological damage" come to mind.
There is a reason why lutefisk is only eaten once a year: anything that has been soaked in chemicals and allowed to ferment should not be allowed to pass through the digestive system-- it does detrimental things to the body.
But these descriptions seem hollow compared to the actual experience, so I will have to resort to a recipe for a kind of metaphorical lutefisk to describe the experience.
First, take jet-puffed marshmallows made without any sugar, blend them together with overcooked Japanese noodles, some canola oil, and Parmesan cheese, then bathe the whole liberally in acetone. Let it marinate in cod liver oil for several days at room temperature. When it has achieved the appropriate consistency heat it to just above lukewarm, sprinkle in thousands of tiny, sharp, invisible fish bones, and serve. Voila! You have lutefisk, or at least a very close representation.
Now you can empathize.
And so if I ever create a ruckus over fish, you will know why. There is only one word to describe possibly the most abominable recipe created by mankind-- and it is lutefisk.
Viva la Norge!

21 comments:

Nedge said...

Jos, Jos, Jos. You cannot say you hate all kinds of fish until you try all kinds. I'm sorry. I disagree with you completely. I thought I hated fish too, when my brother came home from his mission, and stowed some fish in our storage room. A year later, he came back and ate it. Yum, yum! Our storage room reeked for the next few years.
You need to come to my house sometime when we cook our (oh-so-delicious!) salmon. Don't worry. It's fresh, killed one or two days ago. It grew up wild, in fresh water, not in some farm. Then my dad cooks it to perfection. Just add a little lemon juice, and it literally melts in your mouth. It is soooo good!
That is the only fish I can stand besides tuna fish, and believe me, I have tried many kinds. I even tried dried squid, which resulted in some gagging, but I got it down. Everyone who watched me laughed, but they couldn't even get it down! You should try everything you can too. You should try the salmon. Maybe I'll get my daddy to make a small portion on this Saturday night! mmm mmm!

Joslynn said...

I am willing to try it, but I make no promises. Since this experience I am very cautious around food-- especially meat. I had fillet mignon two summers ago, and it was red and bloody in the middle.
It was so incredibly disgusting.

J-Vicious said...

You never know what you will like until you try it. All you have to do is try it once, if you hate it never have it again, but if you love it, aren't you glad you tried it?

I'm picky about my food, but I'll try anything once.

Brittany said...

From the way you describe it, I'm surprised that you didn't throw up.

I agree with Natalie. I don't like fish all that much, but salmon that's cooked well is amazing. Delightful. As she put it, Oh so delicious. Take any chance you get to try that stuff.

Joslynn said...

Salmon does not even hold a candle to lutefisk. It is a completely unfair comparison.

Nedge said...

Then don't generalize that you hate "fish of all kinds".

Joslynn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joslynn said...

Let me clarify my first comment:
Comparing any other food at all to lutefisk is unfair. It is in a category unto itself-- I only call it 'fish' for lack of a better description. It's like chicken flavored ice cream or something.
What?

Anonymous said...

Ja, Ja, lutefisk smacke gott! I did get to sample this delicacy on my mission in Scandhoovia a couple of times. If you put enough mustard sauce on it, drink plenty of spirits--unfortunatly, missionaries have to eat this stuff stone sober--it's not so bad. Now, if you want a real Swedish fish experience, break out the sur stromming (rotten herring)...

Joslynn said...

You mean to tell me there is something WORSE than lutefisk? I almost want to try the stuff-- without any aquavit, of course.
I suppose my Scandinavian blood is not substantial enough to hold true to its Viking ancestors. One mention of the word "lutefisk" and any true Norskman will rant and rave over its delightfulness.
As for me, one mention of the word makes me barf.

J-Vicious said...

Well thank you very much. It was probably too long of a list if anything, heh.

Joslynn said...

There you go Nat; I changed the beginning of my post just to satisfy you. I no longer hate 'fish of all kinds', just 'death in the form of fish.'
I called it that for lack of a better description.

Anonymous said...

I too do not enjoy the taste of fish. Breaded shrimp I can handle but that's it. This discription sounds absolutely disgusting. I'm just glad my family doesn't enjoy that tradition.

Brittany said...

Hey! I've seen you eat breaded shrimp! I'm famous!

J-Vicious said...

Fried shrimp is where its at. Once I had one I said goodbye to that breaded filth. :D

Joslynn said...

Hey, hey! Let's not forget that I was there too! Don't forget me!
I'm famous too! (Whiniest voice imaginable.)

Anonymous said...

This is all true. Joslynn ate a shrimp. I have a picture of her doing it. That was history.
Jesse- I have never heard of fried shrimp. If I ever have the opportunity I will definately try it. Sounds good.

J-Vicious said...

Oh you must have fried shrimp! MUST!

Every New Years Eve, I have fried shrimp for dinner. One year I ate over 70 fried shrimp....of course they weren't that big that year.

Joslynn said...

Seventy fried shrimp?
How much squishier did you become on January the first? I find that protein or fiber rich foods cause me to look... a lot less lean.

8 minute jog, anyone?

J-Vicious said...

Yes, seventy. And if you must know I have a high metabolism. Just ask your sister, she knows.

Brenda said...

I agree with Joslynn 70 does seem like a lot of shrimp even if they were small. I would probably get sick if I ate that much shrimp. Natalie I just took a closer look at your first comment. I must say I gave up on tuna fish last June after I got food poisening. I vowed then to never eat tuna fish again.